Soul of Asian Woman

Migrating to wordpress

2011-05-22T20:33:00.000+07:00

In the midst of migrating this blog to wordpress.

https://maharanidawn.wordpress.com/wordpress

Be happy

2011-05-16T21:18:00.011+07:00

At yoga class today, the teacher asked us to set our intention. Mine was to be happy.

Happiness is what I have been searching for. Ten years ago I wanted to be happy. Ten years later, I still want to be happy.

Yet I have stopped searching for happiness. It is no longer a goal I yearn for. Rather I have accepted happiness is a journey, not something far fetched I aim for.

I am happy as I am. I want to be happy as life is short and when I am happy, people around me are happier. Being happy is a choice and I choose to be happy.

Just like my yoga practice, some days I do better, I push deeper. Some days, my body can't seem to stretch and I am just not in the mood. On those days, I simply go with the flow, be conscious of my breath and stay present.

Sunset in Bali

2011-05-14T16:10:00.000+07:00

Not a typical sunset one expects in Bali where the sun sets in the horizon like an orange ball disappearing into the ocean. The air has cooled down and excudes a calmer ambiance.
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Crispy fried duck at Bebek Bengil, Ubud Bali

2011-05-14T14:54:00.000+07:00

Best crispy duck in Indonesia. Found only at Bebek Bengil, Ubud Bali.
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Shabu Shabu

2011-05-08T09:19:00.000+07:00

My all time favorite cuisine, Japanese shabu shabu. You cook a variety of vegetables in the hot pot filled with broth or miso. The broth base is the authentic style but I like the miso base, it makes the vegetables tastier. The original shabu shabu comes with a plate of thinly sliced beef which you cook into the hot pot and dip it into ponzu sauce before allowing the beef the melt in your mouth. Ponzu is a lemon based soya sauce which you can add freshly cut chili, garlic, spring onions and radish to bring out the favor.

My favorite shabu shabu is at Shabu Shabu House at Little Tokyo. It's the best in LA and probably the best I've had.

Kue Putu

2011-04-23T15:04:00.000+07:00

First love

2011-04-22T21:19:00.001+07:00

When is your first love
Is it when you first fall in love
Or is it when you truly lose yourself in love
Can you ever forget your first love
Promise me my love
You'll never forget our love
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Puppy love

2011-04-22T21:14:00.001+07:00

The thrill of puppy love
Is a feeling we never forget
We all yearn for feeling
That reminds us of our puppy love
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Death

2011-04-20T08:57:00.001+07:00

What happen to you when you die
What happen to me when I die
Do we fear death
Or should we fear feeling dead more than death
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Dream

2011-04-17T11:09:00.000+07:00

Woke up wishing it was more than a dream
Lingering to every detail
Wishing to capture the dream
Embracing every detail
Lamenting it is but a dream

Restless when I am not busy

2011-04-16T07:03:00.000+07:00

After full week of work which included 1 day trip to Singapore and a client dinner, I was eagerly waiting for Friday.

Yet I didn't know what I wanted to do. There were so many things I planned to do but yet nothing that I really wanted to do. I wanted to go home early to rest cos I told myself my body needed it. This conflicted with a little voice telling me I ought to be ought spending time socializing. After all it's Friday! I needed a hair cut, yearned for a massage, wanted to spend time with my kids and missed reading and writing. Did I mention there was another office function which I was invited?

With all these thoughts going in my mind, I became restless. I was not enjoying the people I was with instead wishing I was doing ten other things. No doubt they didn't enjoy me too given I was not the most engaging company.

Realized I am so addicted to busyness that when I have idle time I packed them up with activities. Instead of simply enjoying the present, I run around doing one things after another. And when I don't have anything to do, I line up my mind with things I wish I get to do. This sounds bizarre but I am restless when I am not busy.

Sweet potato for breakfast

2011-04-14T07:13:00.000+07:00

Martabak (Indonesian pancake) vendor

2011-04-10T10:32:00.000+07:00

Typical sight of padi field in Java

2011-04-10T10:30:00.000+07:00

Traditional fruit vendor at Cirebon

2011-04-09T06:19:00.000+07:00

Train ride from Jakarta to Cirebon

2011-04-08T16:34:00.000+07:00

The landscape changes once the train moves out of Gambir station. We are now three hours away. No more poor cities with graffiti on the walls. Instead, it's lushes of green padi fields and sporadic villages.

The modest houses have brown tiled roofs. Once in a while, you get to catch a glimpse of the village life. I see children playing in the fields, and several young girls sharing a scooter.

We have now arrived at Cirebon.

What would you do to keep your man?

2011-03-29T19:20:00.001+07:00

The latest scandal in the Jakarta social scene is this banker who swindled money from her clients. The amount is said to be significant and she works for an international bank, not one of those local banks whom we deem to have weaker control.

What makes this news scandalous is the fact that this lady banker in her late 40s looks should I say well-preserved. She has done a lot of work on her face giving her the look of someone much younger. And she is well-endowed beyond natural. The pictures circulating shows someone happy to flaunt her "asset".

The story behind her is rumored to be a husband who likes a trophy wife. She is said to undergo extreme efforts to keep herself youthful and attractive. That includes frequent vitamin drips amongst others.

But all the effort does not prevent a divorce. I have no insights into her marriage but the main cause of failure in marriage is usually a third party. And it tend to be a much younger third person.

Question to all the women out there, how much are we willing to undergo to maintain our beauty in order to keep our man? Is it a sign of insecurity when we try to stay youthful for our man? Whatever happens to inner beauty and true love?

These are questions worth pondering as we age. And the answers will force us to confront the true nature of our marriage.

Balinese offering

2011-03-22T06:53:00.000+07:00

Does yoga make you sleep better?

2011-03-20T17:39:00.000+07:00

One of my yoga teachers said he needs only four hours of sleep because he is re-energized from his yoga practice. For me, yoga makes me feel so relaxed I always feel sleepy after class.

When I was in my early 20s which was ages ago, I used to think sleep is a waste of time. There was so much to life (friends, school, parties, learning new stuff) that sleep was not a priority then.

More than a decade has passed and now I treasure any opportunity to sleep. With the responsibilities of a full-time job and a family, I crave for uninterrupted sleep. The one where your head hit the pillow and you open your eyes to a new day. I hate the kind of sleep where I wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, I end up feeling lethargic the next day.

Since I started yoga, I sleep better. I still need at least eight hours of sleep to get me to fully function the next day. But gone are those nights where I toss in bed counting sheep. And I tend to sleep through the night. On evenings where work or social obligations take the lead, I compensate the following night with a good sleep. The best nights are those when I come home fully relaxed after yoga practice. Those are the nights I sleep like a baby.

Photo credit to: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=172

Vacation is my best remedy to release stress

2011-03-20T08:08:00.000+07:00

In need of another vacation. Going on holidays is one of my best remedy to release stress. I do undergo the usual traveller's stress which includes packing, delayed flights, unforeseen circumstances that change the plans amongst others, but they are manageable stress. And they are worthwhile for the opportunity to see a new place, experience new culture and meet new people.

Wonder if you would feel the exhilaration of traveling if you do it full time.

Work for money...or listen to your gut?

2011-03-15T07:26:00.001+07:00

An interesting job offer is in the horizon. Interesting because the compensation can be big. Of course, the rest of the offer sounds good. But honestly, the money is going to be attractive.

Yet somehow it doesn't feel right. Can't put my fingers around what exactly is bugging me. Is it my instinct talking to me? Or is it fear that is whispering into my ears? Am I so at ease in my comfort zone I am scared to make changes?

Need time to think this through. And being sleep deprived doesn't help me to think clearly. Gosh, need an undisrupted "thinking time" set aside this week.

Nyepi day

2011-03-05T17:34:00.000+07:00

Whole day gone by without TV. I've never been a TV fan so not missing it. Rather enjoy the absence of noise from TV.

I napped a lot. Caught up on all the sleep I needed. Finally started reading a book (then got distracted by tweeting). So half finished book waiting.

Since it was so quiet, I heard the rustling of the leaves. And since I was staring into space a lot, I actually saw puffy clouds moving which was a pretty sight and which reminded me when I was a kid.

So this Day of Silence actually went well. The fun part is tonight when there will be complete darkness.

Ungasan, Bali

2011-03-05T14:57:00.000+07:00

Having no "to do" list freaks me out

2011-03-05T09:21:00.001+07:00

One of the nagging concerns I had about spending Nyepi in Bali was what do I do? I mean seriously, as much as I bitch and moan about my hectic work life and cry for a break, having nothing to do is a scary thought.

Ok, I can catch up on sleep for one. But how much can one sleep? I can read books and finish the half finished books I have stacked up. And I can tweet and blog. But knowing you are confined to the hotel and not allowed to go out kind of spook me. It means no jogging and no yoga class which are my weekend routine. Did I mention the lights will be off at 6 pm tonight with no activities allowed at all. What do you do in complete darkness for 12 hours?

This is definitely a sign I am not living in the present and that I am a worrier.

As I breathe in the sweetness of the Bali air looking over the ocean, I decided to just let go and enjoy. To simply embrace the beauty of the tranquility. As I was typing this away in the bale (pavilion) by the pool, I saw two dragonflies flew across and a few birds flying in the horizon. Such is the beauty I am surrounded by.

Instead if fretting over what to do, I decided to do nothing and just enjoy what nature has prepared for me, its beauty crafted in perfection.

Evening before Nyepi

2011-03-05T07:52:00.001+07:00

Bali was dressed with a sense of tranquility when the plane was touching down. Wooden boats lined next to one another bopping gently in the sea. There was no sight of activities on the beach. A flock of birds glided in the sky above the calm sea. Even nature takes its cue that it's Nyepi and is peaceful.

The Balinese take Nyepi seriously. The hotel car had to turn back at the junction a stone away from the hotel and find an alternative route much longer as the access road was blocked by preparation for the night's activities. Villagers were out on the street watching the Ongoh Ongoh; scary looking huge statues meant to be burnt at the end of the night. It was a party scene and you are allowed to make as much noise as you want.

Tomorrow would be totally different where everyone is expected to stay quiet. Activities come to a still. It would be interesting to experience such peacefulness for once.

Jakarta life

2011-03-04T08:13:00.001+07:00

I love my maids. I really do. Last night, I came home from work to a nice dinner cooked by my maid. I am referring to wholesome meal that is warmed up nicely along with fruits and coconut juice for dessert. It was welcoming after a long day at work. I love coming home to a clean home where things are in place, all thanks to my maids. Such are the perks of life in Jakarta.

On the downside, it takes me 90 min to travel 10 km to work. So that is three hours wasted on commute daily. Well, with my blackberry and iPad, I get productive in the car. But still, it is frustrating. Not go mention another 2.5 hour if I want to have lunch outside the office. Of course, the driver is the perk. And having a driver is very much part of life in Jakarta for the middle class. It costs less than $200 for the monthly wage of a driver.

So there is upside and downside to life in this city. We don't have parks but instead of lots of huge, glitzy malls with more malls to come. We lack public transportation but we get by stuck for hours in the car chauffeured by a driver. Jakarta is as safe or as dangerous as most cities in South East Asia (excluding Singapore which probably has close to zero crime rate). Practice basic common sense and safety precaution and you will be fine.

It's a shame Jakarta is under-rated as a tourist destination and usually not the preferred posting for expats. Give Jakarta a chance and in time you will be charmed by this place and its people who are probably one of friendliest you can find in any cosmopolitan cities. You can always spot a smiling face in Jakarta.

Yoga class reminds me of church

2011-02-27T07:38:00.000+07:00

Going for yoga class reminds me of going to church. Everyone puts on their best behavior. We are all nice, polite and full of smiles.

photo credit to: africa's portfolio

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1803

We go to yoga and church wanting to feel good. We listen to someone tells us what to do. Of course, the difference is yoga comes with physical movements while you simply sit through church. But if you consider the meditation aspect of yoga, it is similar to sitting and praying for hours in church.

Both yoga and church consist of tightly knitted community. Once you are in, you become part of the family where everyone knows each other. And soon, you start hanging out with each other outside class or church.

Like any social groups, eventually gossips and clicks kick in. Then someone starts not getting along with another person. Someone else starts disliking another person. Those that refuse to conform gets outcasted. Along the way, people get disillusioned and dropped out.

What we tend to forget is the purpose of going to yoga or church? For me, going to yoga is about becoming a better person, physically and emotionally. Yoga helps me stay focused yet is effective in helping me relax. I will not drop out of yoga the way I dropped out of church because of the community. This time, I will stay focused on my objective.

Family time

2011-02-26T20:14:00.001+07:00

Sitting at Old Town White Coffee cafe at Emporium mall in Pluit. For those who do not know Jakarta well, Pluit is in Northern Jakarta with majority of it's population Chinese. This gives it a rather different vibe to the other parts of Jakarta which is less homogeneous. It doesn't quite feel like Jakarta with a concentration of Chinese families.

Photo Credit: winnond's portfolio

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1970

Here in the cafe, I could easily be in KL or Singapore. Three generations getting together for dinner. Almost every table, you see grandparents, parents and kids. Food, chit chat, gossips, kids running around. Typical scene in most Asian cities.

It's great to see families getting together. It's a comforting sight to see old people still very much included in the family activities.
Time for me to finish up writing and give up my table for the next family.

Tomorrow, it will be my family day where I bring my kids to have lunch with my parents.

Are we leading life on auto pilot?

2011-02-26T19:55:00.002+07:00

The yoga instructor told us not to do our poses on auto pilot but to listen to the dialogue. It is easy to come to class after a while knowing what to expect and just going through poses after poses without actually listening to the dialogue of the teacher. We fail to listen and hence fault to improve ourselves, making the same mistakes class after class.
It makes me ponder whether I am taking the same approach outside class. Do I wake up and approach life on an auto pilot mind set, failing to appreciate and listen to what life has to offer? Last week I felt like a car running on auto pilot on a depleted gas tank. I had no time for myself, let alone people around me.

As the week begins (I've started to take Sunday as the beginning of the week instead of Monday), I will make a note to take this week slowly; to breathe in and appreciate what I take for granted. I will start with my morning walk; listen to the chirping of the birds, feel the coolness of the air on my skin and allow the sweet smelling fragrance of the flowers to tinkle my scent.

On and off mat, I will try to switch off the auto pilot mood and be more present.

Idea go's portfolio is:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=809

Woke up early

2011-02-21T05:30:00.000+07:00

Photo credit to markuso's portfolio http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1913

Woke up at four this morning. Went to bed early last night, exhausted from yoga practice in the morning followed by flurry of activities the whole Sunday. Gave up my much needed afternoon weekend nap.

Jakarta is surprisingly cool at this time and what a pleasant surprise to wake up to the chirping of birds. Having my cup of strong, black coffee. The aroma filling the room.

I usually freak out when I wake up too early as it means I get totally exhausted by mid-day. And I do get extremely cranky when I am tired. Today I am determined to simply enjoy the day. It's going to be a long day with a conference call starting at eight and all the way to a karaoke session with colleagues in the evening.

Perhaps this is the day to live by the motto "live life to the fullest". After all, today is a blessing.

Aging

2011-02-18T08:11:00.001+07:00

People around me seems to be getting older suddenly. I am confronted with my loved ones falling ill and passing away. My mom had a stroke and thankfully recovered after a surgery for her brain aneurysm. My dad had a heart valve surgery. My aunt who is like a mom to me passed away from complications from diabetes. All these happened in the last two years.

Now my mom-in-law is in pain from a bad fall. She underwent vertebroplasty to inject cement into her fractured bones. She is bed ridden and at the same time having terrible gastric pain due to the pain killers that make her throw up after every meal. My sister found a lump in her breast and will need to have a small surgery.

It hits me how vulnerable life is when loved ones start slipping away. Read that two people in the world die every minutes. It's a statistic that doesn't mean anything until one of the two person is someone you know, someone you can put a face to and someone you've spent time with, someone who is part of your life. And then all you have left are only memories of the person with words unsaid, things undone and regrets.

Anger and compassion

2011-02-17T08:43:00.001+07:00

I am embarrassed I got so angry. With all my yoga practice and self-help books, I thought I would have handled things more calmly. But somehow the incident triggered some much resentment and anger.

I should have let things go. Instead I chose to confront and antagonize the other party just to get a respond. Or may be I was being childish. You know how kids throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want?

Perhaps the best thing to do when I am angry is to do nothing. To not say things that are hurtful which unfortunately came out from my mouth this morning.

Today, I pray for compassion, for myself and the person I was upset with.

Who we think we are may not be what others see in us

2011-02-15T17:10:00.001+07:00

Photo credit to anankkml's portfolio http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1674

Bumped into an old friend in a bar on Valentine's evening and spent time swapping stories over our past. We both started our first job together and had some tough times making our ways in the corporate jungle.

What was amusing was the stories he said about things I did (sounded rather childish) and how I behaved (highly emotional). I had totally forgotten those stories. I actually don't recall being the kind of person he described me to be. I wonder if I go about painting a certain image of myself while others see me in a diffent light? Some of my closer friends claim I put on a facade with people I don't know. It is my armour of protection. But what am I trying to protect myself against?

Why am I scared to show my true self? Am I so accustomed to behaving in what society expects of me? Or am I putting on different facades to please people around me?

Perhaps there is nothing wrong in puting on different facades as when the situation calls for. What is important is staying true to myself without worrying about what others think or say about me. I hope I am compassionate towards people regardless of what facade I am putting on. I hope I am strong enough to stay true to myself.

Birthday flowers from my colleagues

2011-02-14T20:42:00.000+07:00

Valentine's

2011-02-13T08:10:00.000+07:00

Photo credit of tungphoto's portfolio http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1708

Valentine's round the corner. In the States, this would be celebrated with flowers, chocolates, candle light diners and hallmark cards (at least ten years ago before the internet age hallmark cards are a must to express your love).

I do not recall when was the last time I celebrated Valentine's Day. Do I miss celebrating this special day? I suppose I miss receiving flowers, chocolates and tender loving words. I think I miss being made to feel special.

Then it occurred to me I am doomed for disappointments if I am waiting for other people to make me feel special. I am special for who I am and I do not need endorsements from others. I am special in my own quirky ways and there are people out there who love me for all my imperfections. For those people, I am thankful.

On this special day, I am going to take the chance to tell people I love how special they are. I hope in doing so I can touch the heart of just one person and make that person believe in himself. Life is full of hope only when you believe in yourself.

Pastries that make me happy

2011-02-12T07:39:00.000+07:00

Losing my fighting spirit

2011-01-25T20:31:00.000+07:00

I've been conditioned to think I have to be fighting constantly; I used to take pride in my fighting spirit. My approach in life was to work my ass off for all my goals.

Somehow, towards the end of last year I seem to have mellowed down. From the outside, people can't quite tell. I am still putting up my facade at work, colleagues still consider me aggrssive and ambitious. But deep inside, I could feel myself losing that fighting spirit. Not sure if it's still part of mourning for my aunt's death, or that age is making me more mature, or perhaps yoga has taught me to be more accepting.

I was quite scared of what I seem to have become. Then it gradually sank in that this change will stay. This is what I am transforming into. I haven't lost my fighting spirit as I am still pushing myself to improve my poses and driving myself hard on the yoga mat. I am simply balancing acceptance and my fighting spirit. On and off the yoga mat, I will give my best. Once I have tried my best, I will not beat myself up over the outcome.

I will simply let go.

Hong Kong and Shenzhen

2011-01-13T19:44:00.000+07:00

Skyline of Hong Kong from IFC Mall

View of Shenzhen

Shenzhen used to be the poor cousin of Hong Kong. It is catching up very fast as an up-coming cosmopolitan city. Hong Kong is vibrant yet too crowded for my liking. I prefer the luxury of walking without having to elbow my way around.

Breakfast in Macau

2011-01-13T19:33:00.001+07:00

This is the delicious blueberry egg tart I had for breakfast at Starbucks Macau. What a way to start the day with creamy tart and Americano.

Art

2011-01-06T21:13:00.001+07:00

Zaia, Cirque Du Soleil at Ventian Macau

Cirque du Soleil is a mesmerizing performance. I was sitting at the edge of my seat for the whole performance engrossed. I suppose this is the ultimate art that we seek, one that transports us to a different realm. The music, lighting, special effects, acting all help push the performance to the pennacle. It is in itself an art.

I enjoy being totally present for the whole show, just being there. It is such a wonderful experience. I suppose we don't have to meditate to be in the present. Art can be be similar to meditation if we are totally soaked in the experience. Different people respond to diffent art forms.

I find it important to try out diffent arts to find what appeals to us. Keeping our minds open bring surprises. I wasn't sure my parents would enjoy Cirque du Soliel. To my pleasant surprise, they've enjoyed the performance. It seems to bring out the child like in them. And they were as much engrossed as I was. My parents have enjoyed it as much as my kids.

Shenzhen Travel

2011-01-06T05:47:00.001+07:00

Starbucks in Shenzhen

Shenzhen is a bustling city. It used to be known as the place where tourists cross over from Hong Kong in a train to purchse counterfeit bags. Now this city in Guangdong province north of Hong Kong is shedding its image as Hong Kong's poor cousin. It is trying to catch up with its glittery malls. Most major bands are present. Well, may be not all; at least didn't find Chanel and Hermes. But you get the point, Zara, Manggo and every major fast food chain are present. Star bucks has found it's place here.

Had Chinese food for dinner in an upscale restaurant in town. But it was lunch at this neighborhood restaurant that amazes me. I love the concentrated chicken soup cooked with Chinese herb served in a Chinese teapot and drink from the small tea cup. Tasty.

Have to get used to the cold. Well, I've have always been a tropical person.

Dare I call myself a yogini?

2011-01-02T18:14:00.045+07:00

The term yogi (male) or yogini (female) is used to describe someone who practices yoga. Wikipedia describes yogi as " practitioner of various forms of spiritual practice".

I am rather cautious in calling myself a yogi or yogini. After all, I started as a woman who can't touch her toes and is now taking baby-steps towards yoga practice. I've looked at the blogs of many yogi/yogini and have been impressed with the years of experience they have under their belts or should I say on their mats. Many have learned under well-know gurus or at least been to Mysore, the Mecca of yoga. Two years of Bikram yoga class does not qualify me to be in the same league as some of those yogi/yogini.

Yoga can be a rather intimidating experience for beginners. I recalled how confused I was when I first decided to check out a yoga class. They sound like foreign language to me (even reading through the descriptions of the classes do nothing to help me in understanding the different schools of yoga).

I signed up for Bikram yoga since the studio was most convenient to where I live and ended up liking it. It probably has to do with the fact that the first few teachers I've had impressed me. Omar was one of the first teachers I've had and he exudes the yoga spirit. He was working in the IT industry before he decided to teach yoga full time. This is not a guy who is a high school drop-out who has no idea what he wants to do in life and ended up as a yoga teacher. This is a guy who decided to put aside what he had to pursue his dream or calling. He shares his story of being a vegan, another true reflection of his calling. This is definitely someone who practices what he preaches.

I suppose you can call yourself yogi/yogini when you truly exudes the yoga spirit, when yoga is not a badge you flaunt on your sleeve but a way how you lead your life. A true yogi/yogini is compassionate.

Live with less

2011-01-01T20:40:00.018+07:00

Will having the much coveted Birkin bag make you happy? I'm sure I will be ecstatic after waiting months for the most sought after bag that costs an arm and a leg. But will the happiness last? Or will I be like a kid who throws a tantrum for a toy and loses interest once he gets to play with the toy?

The article in NYT titled "But will it make you happy?" argues that wanting things and getting more things will not necessarily make us happy. We can be happy with less.

I tend to agree. The challenge now is whether I can learn to live with less. Instead of collecting things, I choose to collect memories that come with experiences like taking my kids traveling. Instead of having a bigger house where I have to spend more time maintaining, I would rather have a smaller place I get to enjoy.

The challenge in Asia is the social pressure of having the biggest house, fanciest car, latest branded bags and the other material standards we are being measured against. Can we simply learn to be a by-stander in the crazy material race?

* click on the title of this blog to take you to the NYT article

Simple beauty

2010-12-31T16:22:00.000+07:00

Beauty is such simple things in life like the frangipani that grows in the garden. We seek for exotic beauty often neglecting to appreciate the simple beauty of things around us.

Same attitude in our search for happiness. We travel far to seek for happiness when happiness in within our reach if only we pay attention.

May we all find happiness within our reach.

My yoga practice

2010-12-26T17:16:00.000+07:00

I suddenly have the urge to want to do handstand. That's coming from someone who could not touch her toes two years ago.

Walked into my first Bikram class not knowing what to expect and was hooked since then. It started with falling in love with the experience of shutting down the mind and focusing on my breathing for 90 minutes. Nothing else in the world matters other than just breathing, following the teacher's instruction and staying in the heated room. It was the only time I calm my mind.

There are still many postures in my Bikram practice I am struggling with. On some days, I cannot even manage the basic ones. Weird as it may sound, some postures that started quite easy grew difficult. I recalled how I used to fear back-bend. I was scared. It was until one of the teachers who told me that back-bend is all about receiving love that I finally mustered the courage to give it a try. And the initial months of my attempt to do back-bend made me nausea.

Some days, I beat up myself for not perfecting many of the poses. Then I recalled how I started, a woman who could not even touch her toes. I have improved a lot since then. Instead of being too hard on myself, I simply have to practice and continue to believe in myself. Someday, I am sure I can do the handstand.

Christmas

2010-12-25T18:17:00.000+07:00

"So, are you going to church?" is the question many people asked when I told them I celebrate Christmas.

I have not been to church for a while and have no plan to attend a mass just because it's Christmas. I do not care about impressing others to be seen in a church packed with worshippers. For me, Christmas like any festive season is about spending time with friends and family. It's about celebrating love across all denominations and culture.

My kids recognize Christmas as a special day where they get to spend time with the family. We put up the Christmas tree in November and buy cane candies. Christmas eve is dinner party at home with friends and family where they get to stay up late and eat chocolate cake. But they do not ask for Christmas presents. They are so blessed they do not know what presents to ask for.

I love the festive mood of Christmas just like any other festive season I celebrate. And yes, it's all about friends, family, love and feast.

Feeling alive

2010-12-25T08:45:00.000+07:00

Over a few glasses of wine, a friend in her 50's laments that she misses feeling alive. This is a woman who moved to a foreign country with three young kids while finding time to help her her husband's business. This is a woman who decided to start her own business when her kids are adults. She now works ten hours daily. This is a woman you want to invite to a party 'cos she warms up the room. Yet, she is feeling as flat as a can of soda left in the sun.

She no longer gets excited and doesn't quite know what she needs to do to feel alive. Not that she is complaining about life. She knows life has been good to her; she has brought up decent kids, she is healthy, she is financially comfortable, she is surrounded by family and friends. She is not unhappy.

Are we simply being too demanding on life? Is it too wishful to have it all and want more? I too am grateful for what life has given me yet like my friend, I yearn to feel alive. Is this a sign of mid-life? Or are we going through a phase of soul-searching? Are we all seekers?

New Year resolution

2010-12-23T19:58:00.000+07:00

It's that time of the year when we feel most inclined to draft up New Year resolutions. I have the habit of listing down what I want to achieve in the year to come. Some of my previous resolutions amongst others were learning to scuba dive (done, PADI open-water certifed), running 10k (done), progressing to running half-marathon (done, improved my time to slightly less than three hours at 2 hour 56 minutes), travelling (travelled to more places than I can ask for), start writing (taking baby steps with my blog but finally made it to the Ubud Writers and Readers festival).

It is easier to tick off the tangible items on my list. But what about the intangibles? I want to be wiser, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding and better at listening. How do I measure whether I am a better person as each year passes by? Have I learned to forgive? Has my presence touched someone's life in a positive way? Has life taught me to be a better person?

As I look at myself in the mirror and notice new lines on my face, I hope I am a better person with each pasing day. There is no boxes to tick as it is an on-going process; it is not the destination but the journey that matters.

No reason to be cranky

2010-12-22T19:45:00.000+07:00

There's really no reason for me to be cranky. Work, which usually drives me up the wall, is slowing down. Afterall, Christmas is round the corner and festive mood is in the air (and in every malls in town). People are either out of town (which means traffic has eased off) or are busy exchanging gifts. And I have received a few gifts myself.

Yet, I am in a lousy mood today which makes me seem ungrateful in the festive season when we should feel thankful. I was not able to contain my crankiness and probably chewed a few heads. Was upset over the silliest thing like not charging my iPad. Trivial stuff gets to me today.

Perhaps it's the absence of "me time" over the last two days when I was out with colleagues on business trip. Perhaps it's the lack of yoga or running which I find therapeutic. Perhaps it's PMS.

Whatever the reasons, I've decided to take care of myself. This means skipping a tempting invite for a drink to go for yoga practice. This means giving myself "me time" to decompress whether it's writing or resting.

I acknowledge how I feel and recognize that this is part of being me. I no longer feel bad and beat myself up for having a bad day. Instead, I take this as a cue to take better care of myself. I am learning to be kind to myself.

What's after aceptance?

2010-12-19T09:09:00.000+07:00

Have you woken up feeling thankful for your imperfect life and wondering what's next? Perhaps it's age, perhaps it's the effect of yoga practice, but I am going through a phase of acceptance. Not quite the zen stage of acceptance where if someone slaps you on one cheek, you present your other cheek cos I can still be fiesty when I want to. It's a feeling that in spite of all the imperfections, I am truly thankful.

Yet that leaves me grappling with what is next. I used to be driven and constantly aiming for the next milestone to accomplish. Am I now to sit and wait for life to present itself?

May be this is a stage in my life where I learn to still my heart and mind so I can better listen to my inner voice.

For now, as I wait, I will count my blessings and be thankful for all things big and small and for everyone who's touched my life.

Focus

2010-12-12T15:51:00.000+07:00

In yoga class, the teacher told us where our eyes lead, our body goes. This reminds me of physchology class 101 where the same concept was being taught. The more a driver tries to avoid a lamp post, the higher the tendency he drives into the lamp post.

I am trying to relate this to my work life. There is a colleague I totally cannot stand. He gets on my nerves. To be extreme, I feel suffocated being in the same room as him and hence try to avoid him at all cost. Unfortunately, my work requires a certain amount of interaction with him. He is my nemesis.

I have yet learned how to deal with him. But I'm now trying to deal with how I feel instead. I can choose to see this as a challenge in life I can avoid or an experience that stretches me and make me a better person. Do I need to make an effort to like him? That would be too much of a stretch for now. Just like yoga where I listen to my body, I am now listening to my inner voice. I will choose not to focus on him instead focusing on how I feel. I will try not to focus on him and instead of being agitated by him, I will choose to let the negative feeling go. I refuse to let someone insignificant to me hold any significance to how I feel and how I lead my life.

Lazy

2010-12-12T10:46:00.000+07:00

Woke up this morning feeling lazy. Not the negative laziness where you wake up exhausted but lazy in a good sense where I don't feel a sense of rush. Usually wake up with a list of things I plan to do for the day which results in me jumping out of bed and tackling my plan diligently. Yet today, I woke up with a sense of surrender.

I decided to listen to my body to just relax and rest. Spent the whole morning over a cup of coffee at my front porch surfing my favorite topics. The weather was cool after the rain last night. My kids seems to take the cue and was just going about enjoying themselves playing around the house. No one seems to care that we do not have plans for the Sunday.

I cherish moments like these. Nothing exciting yet it brings a sense of blissfulness.

Having fun?

2010-11-17T07:30:00.001+07:00

Do you remember when was the last time you had fun? I am referring to doing something you truly enjoy it, something that lets you forget time and makes you feel good. I've forgotten how to have fun. I've asked myself how that is remotely possible but reality slaps me hard. I take things far too seriously.

Work for me is serious. It is all about working hard, achieving the target and attaining the next promotion. Motherhood is equally serious as it comes with enormous responsibilities but no road map. Even yoga which started out as fun is now becoming a challenge as I drive myself to do better; deeper back bend, stretch further and of course keep my knees locked.

I seem to have the impeccable capability to turn anything fun into serious. And that of course is no fun.

Regrets

2010-10-31T06:56:00.001+07:00

Don't expect to be confronted by my biggest regret in life now. Thought regret are what the elderly do when they look back at their lives. And I've always secretly hope that I would live to the fullest within my capacity with no regrets.

My aunt spent her life taking care of nine kids; nurturing and caring for us. She loved us unconditionally and was always there for us. And now, she's no longer there.

I would so much like to have another chance to see her and tell her how much she meant to me. I still find flashbacks of her memory and memory is the only thing left. I recall the songs she love, the body lotion she likes, the food she used to cook and the time we spent.

It was hard seeing her in pain in the hospital and it was equally painful seeing her go with her last breath. If only...

My Aunt

2010-10-31T06:32:00.001+07:00

I still can't bring myself to write about my aunt's death. She brought me up since I was a baby. It doesn't seem real she is no longer with us. For all my life, she has always been there for me. She loves me unconditionally.

Things have gone back to normal after the cremation on Saturday. We have all gone back to our daily routine. Yet I feel something missing in my life. There's a gap I can't quite fill. I have many things I still want to do with her and things I want to share with her.

I have not even told her how much I love her and how much she meant to me. I am forever grateful to her. Without her, I won't be who I am today.

My relationship with my bathroom

2010-10-24T22:23:00.000+07:00

One of the early scene of Eat, Pray, Love shows Julia Roberts in the bathroom devastated and praying for guidance. I can relate to that. When I was going through difficult moments of my life, I've spent many nights crying and praying in the bathroom. It was the only place I can be on my own and totally release my emotions without fear that the kids will see me cry.

Looking back, I've always had a unique relationship with my bathroom. I recalled hiding in the bathroom to study for exams when I was living with my aunt and half a dozen of cousins through secondary school. That was the only place in the condominium we shared where I get time alone to study without distractions and imposing on the others.

The bathroom has been my sanctuary. With all the different roles and responsibilities, I especially crave for time alone. The bathroom is the easiest escape for me. It is where I now find time for myself soaking in the bathtub over a glass of wine, favorite music playing off my iPod and browsing through a book or magazine.

I am glad I no longer go through nights throwing up over the toilet bowl from too much alcohol. My relationship with my bathroom reflects the state of mind I am in and the journey of my life. Nowadays, I occasionally practice yoga poses and dance to my favorite songs in my bathroom. I am thankful where life leads me and I am thankful for my bathroom.

Addiction

2010-10-20T23:21:00.001+07:00

Alcoholics never think they have too much to drink. Workaholic know they work too much but justify but telling themselves it's a necessity. I read somewhere we are all addicts. According to Wikipedia, addiction is a form of dependency on things, activities and even feelings.

We are all aware of addiction to substance; drugs, booze, tobacco, food. Some of us are addicted to watching TV. There are also other forms of activities we are addicted to. Those who follow Tiger Woods's divorce reads that he's said to be addicted to sex. Even too much of a good thing is bad; there are people who are addicted to exercise. And of course, most shopaholics would deny they consume too much.

There's the less obvious addiction to feeling. The feeling of high from gambling. The ecstasy of love. It may sound crazy but some of us are addicted to negative feelings that make us feel lousy; depression and guilt.

Yoga teaches us to balance. It is more than balancing on one leg. Yoga teaches us to have a balance approach to life and balance is what addicts need.

Guilt

2010-10-20T07:59:00.000+07:00

Didn't run this morning and feel guilty. Feel even more guilty as I recalled that piece of creamy donut I ate yesterday.

Feel guilty not spending enough time with kids yet feel guilty leaving office early.

Guilt makes me feel lousy. Constant guilt makes me feel depleted.

Yoga teaches me to let go after each pose yet be totally present while doing each pose. I guess that is how I need to start approaching life. To immense myself in the present and then to just let it go. Guilt is perhaps another form of attachment to the past.

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Hectic

2010-10-19T23:40:00.003+07:00

I realize we like to keep ourselves hectic. As much as we complain when we are busy, most of us actually prefer a schedule sardined-packed with activities, leaving us no time to pause and no time to think. We don't know how to manage free time although I doubt there is any time that can be considered free nowadays with the advance telecommunication gadgets that we are enslaved to.

We are now glued to our smart phone which keeps us entertained with all the social media available at our finger tips and iPad has made accessing the web so much more convenient. We keep ourselves productive by fiddling with our phones, laptops and iPads whenever we have that split second of space. We fidget when we have nothing to do. We no longer take time in between activities for real break where we let our mind rest and listen to our breathe. We rushed from activities to activities and from places to places. Doing nothing makes us nervous. We would rather not deal with thinking about life, our priorities and what makes us happy. Perhaps many of us are using a busy schedule to numb ourselves from having to deal with the question of what life offers us and what we make out of our lives. A busy schedule keeps us having to face our disappointments and fears.

Many of us resemblance the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who's perpetually late and always in a rush for no apparent needs. We are too busy to enjoy life. We go through the motion without living. I've made up my mind that I want to stop being the White Rabbit. Most of us don't have the luxury of quitting our job and taking on a lifestyle that allows us to sit back and relax. However, what that means is to prioritize what is important and being conscious so as not to fall back into the habit of busyness.

Women and hobby

2010-10-17T07:56:00.000+07:00

Over lunch, a friend of mine laments that she does not have any hobby. Aside from juggling a banking career and a family with 3 young kids, she doesn't have time to cultivate a hobby. Unlike most women I know, men however seem to have time for golf, biking, running, playing futsel, playing badminton and the recent fad of riding a Harley cladded in leather.

I am not here to blast men. Instead I would like to encourage women to learn from them. Men have no qualm demanding time for themselves. They act like it's their birth-right to have time to do what is fun. Women on the other hand feel guilty finding time for ourselves. Like my friends, most of us who manage a career and family barely have time. And we succumb ourselves to accepting that our own needs are less important than the needs of others around us. We give and give, not knowing we are depleted. We get more serious as we take on more responsibilities life thrust our direction. We forget to have fun.

It's time for us to carve time to do what we enjoy, what makes us happy. Think through what you really like to do when you were a kid. What magazines and articles catch your attention? Take classes that are outside your comfort zone. Be open to invitation from friends to join them for workshops and events.

Several years ago after my second child was born, I was also trapped in a situation where I don't have any hobby aside from bed-time reading. I was not particularly passionate about any interest and I am not one of those lucky fews blessed with talent. I've since then embarked on a joyful journey searching for my interests.

- Painting

I signed up for a basic painting class and spent many Saturday mornings playing with paint. Realized I am not Picasso but it was nonetheless fun playing with paint and seeing the canvas filled with my creation. I've stopped the class but I've since learned to appreciate paintings more.

Hadiparana Art Centre (+6221 7196354) in Kemang offers several art classes. (http://www.hadiprana-artcentre.com/about-us.html)

- Scuba Diving

A few young colleagues invited me to join their scuba diving class. I've always loved the ocean and scuba diving lesson was inviting. We took the class and went for the PADI certification at the islands near Jakarta. Build some great friendship from the lessons we shared. I've since then went diving in Bali a few times and loved the serenity and beauty of the deep ocean.

Bali Scuba (+6236 1288610) offers PADI certified classes and organize diving trips in and around Bali. (http://www.baliscuba.com/)

- Golf

I picked up golf for practical reason it is good for networking. There are many driving ranges and many golf instructors that give golf lessons; you can find certified instructors who are pricey and also those who teaches based on experience but have no certification. It depends on how much you are willing to spend and how serious you are in perfecting this sports. Ultimately, it comes down to practice, practice and practice. I've not caught on the golf bug and now only play once or twice a year. Check out the many golf academies in town or simply go to one of the driving ranges and you will find instructors that suit you.

- Yoga

I was trying to find ways to unwind. After a long day, I used to feel physically exhausted but my mind was still running amok. Walked into Bikram Yoga class one day and it transformed me. I've since then sleep through the nights like a baby, learn to breathe better, have better posture and can actually now touch my toes. Flexibility has definitely improved. I now look forward to sweating the whole week's of stress and toxic in my weekend classes.

Yoga at 42 (+6221 7197379) offers hot yoga classes conducted by certified instructors. They also offer ashtanga yoga and several other yoga classes. (http://www.bikramyogajakarta.com/home.html)

- Running

This is the easiest and cheapest pastime I've picked up. Started running after I signed up for the 10K run in the annual Singapore Marathon and was addicted to running since then. For me, running is therapeutic. To just let go, and run. To feel the breeze and the sun.

If you would like to join a serious running group, check out Jakarta Spirit. (http://www.jakartafreespirit.org/).

- Writing

It is now so easy to write. Facebook is a good media. Or check out Twitter which allows you to share your thoughts, observations and anything interesting. Did I mention you can shed your inhibition since you can be anonymous on Twitter?

There are so many activities we can pick up and I am sure everyone's interest is different. What is important is to do what is fun. To bring some joy and laughter into our lives. Let's not find excuse and let's enjoy life.

Baby step towards my writing aspiration

2010-10-11T00:02:00.052+07:00

Flew to Bali over the weekend for the Ubud Writers and Readers Festival. Had wanted to check out this event since it started as a small local event but for some reasons (or perhaps excuses I conjure), I never made the trip. It is now a successfully run festival well-known in the region. There are participants from all ages and nationalities.

A few close friends asked why I would choose to spend my time and money on a few writing workshops which are unrelated to my profession. Being a banker, our requisite to write is minimum and meant to be kept concise; the key word to business writing after all is KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).

I am glad I went. The workshops exposed me to several useful writing techniques. Different lecturers pass on different writing tips depending on the topic of the workshop and also depending on their background. An author gives a different view of the literary world from a publisher. Among the many interesting tips and insights shared, the most interesting take-away is that writing is less about talent than practice. I suppose excluding the exceptionally talented few, the rest of the writers simply have to keep writing away and perfecting the skill in time.

It is both inspiring and intimidating to be surrounded by so many aspiring writers. I felt inadequate to many who have been writing for a while and words seem to just flow from their thoughts. I decided this time I will no longer let fear stop me from writing. I am privileged enough that I am not writing for a living. I write because I like to write. Hence, there is no justification for my irrational fear of writing except for fear of bruising my ego. The constant worry that I cannot write well has kept me from even starting.

Some day, writing will come to me naturally. Until such time, I will chip away word by word, paragraph by paragraph. I will continue to tweet, blog and scribble and let words carry me away.

What middle age woman can learn from "Something's Gotta Give"

2010-09-13T08:53:00.001+07:00

Watched "Something's Gotta Give" last night and laughed so hard I shook the bed.

Diane Keaton is charming in her quirky way as the 50 something whose daughter came home with a boyfriend in his 60's. Jack Nicholson is the chauvinistic bachelor who is unable to commit. Anyway, Keaton and Nicholson fell in love. And of course, he was too scared to commit. She was heart broken and her otherwise controlled world was turned upside down. Keanu Reeves is the handsome young doctor who fixed Nicholson's clogged heart and mended Keaton's broken heart. Would leave you to watch the movie to get the ending; will she stay with the man twenty years her junior who adores her or the man she loves.

Lessons every middle age woman can learn from the movie:

1. Don't wait for a man to come to your life. Make the best of your life. Have a career, enjoy your kids, celebrate friendship. Live life the way that makes you happy.

2. Don't shut down your heart. Open your heart to love even though you may get hurt. Life is not worth living without feeling real love no matter how brief. And soul mate does exist for the very lucky few.

3. We are still attractive. Even though we no longer look perky, we are charming in our own skin. We replace our innocent demeanor with wisdom and strength that come with experience.

4. Be who we are. Do not apologize for how we've turned out. Keaton's character loves wearing turtle neck even in the summer but that does not mean she is frigid. In one of the scene, she had Nicholson cut off her turtle neck when they were making out. This scene is hilarious.

5. Celebrate your sexuality. I've seen enough women look better as they age. Take care of ourselves with exercise and good nutrition. Dress our age. Push up bras do help every now and then.

6. Be confident. We've been through enough ups and downs and nothing can rattle us. We've earn our strips in life.

7. Be compassionate and kind. Beauty comes from within. And life is too short to bear grudges.

8. Take time for yourself. Learn a new language, travel, learn a new skill. An interesting mind makes a beautiful woman.

So, all my friends out there, let's embrace life and just enjoy the rest of our ride.

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Thankful

2010-09-09T00:47:00.002+07:00

Life is not perfect. It will never be. Yet I am thankful.

I am thankful for all the people who have crossed my path and touched my life. There are people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. There are people who helped me through difficult moments in my life. There are friends who never fail to share their shoulders to cry on.

There are also people who made life less pleasant and cause me sleepless nights, endless tears and stomach ulcer. I have learned to be thankful for the experiences these people put me through. I choose to believe these experiences made me a better and stronger person. I've learned to empathize.

For all that, I am thankful.

Parenting

2010-08-29T19:32:00.001+07:00

A client of mine told me over lunch yesterday that her second son used to look ugly as a baby and come nothing close to how adorable the older brother is. She showed me the pictures and utter that he now looks much better though still not as good looking as the older and younger brother. I am baffled. He looks cute. As far as I am concern, most kids look cute anyway. As a mom, I find my kids totally adorable regardless of what others think.

I wonder what effect it has on a kid knowing your parents think you look ugly as a kid. My brother-in-law has twins and he keeps comparing them. He thinks one is a genius. He and his wife are in praise for that kid openly. I would hate to be the other kid.

Guess we all make mistakes as parents. But some mistakes can actually be avoided. If only we apply the rule "do onto others what others do unto u" to our kids. And who can the kids count on for unconditional love if not their parents.
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Let's run

2010-08-24T07:41:00.000+07:00

If you question someone why they enjoy running, you'd probably never tried running. I'm not talking about running on a treadmill in an air-conditioned room with your eyes glued to the TV. I'm talking about running outside, feeling the wind on your face and having a change of scenery every step you take.

For me, running is therapeutic. I let my mind go and simply allow my body to feel the rhythm. I either run listening to my ipod and letting the music pump me up. Or taking it slow soaking in the view that pass by.

In San Francisco, I ran along the pier loving the gorgeous view of the sea, the bridge and the islands far ahead. The cool breeze brushing on my face. In Singapore, I ran along the river. Enjoying a quiet Clark Quay, Boat Quay and Robertson Quay before taking a pause at my favorite old bridge in front of the Fullerton Hotel. In Jakarta, my routine is a run in my neighborhood; the street vendors pushing their carts, people walking their dogs, the beautiful flowers and fruit trees. No cool breeze in Jakarta but I love how the sky turns orange when the sun starts to warm the air. Occasionally, you can smell the fragrance of the frangipani trees.

I don't think of anything when I run. Perhaps that's what meditation is all about. Just feeling the run and enjoying the moment. It helps me unwind and keeps me fit.

For those who've not tried running, let's put on your running shoes and take the first step to go outside and just run. Enjoy your run.

Mangoes and Mangosteens

2010-08-22T17:35:00.000+07:00

Mangoes and Mangosteens

Can't resist posting pictures of mangoes and mangosteens that are seasonal now. The mango with the green skin is Mangga Harumanis and the orange skin mango is called Mangga Gedong Gincu. Mangga Gedung Gincu has a sweeter aroma that penetrates through its skin. Both are sweet but taste different. My favorite way to eat Mangga Gedung Gincu is to peel off the skin and devour the whole fruit with the juice dripping off my palms. Harumanis is best served cut in mouth-size pieces and shared among friends.

Mangosteen has a firm exterior with small juicy white flesh that is sweet. Just make sure the juice from the skin doesn't drip on your clothes as it stains.

We Indonesians tend to have a perception that imports are better than local products. It makes all the economic sense to buy local fruits. It's also greener to purchase local produce closer to home. And it helps our farmers.

Let's start with mangoes and mangosteens.

Beauty for who

2010-08-21T18:29:00.000+07:00

There are women in Jakarta who go to the saloon everyday to wash and blow dry their hair. Vanity is a woman's birth-right. However, we tend to go the extreme in our effort to look good. Botox, tummy-tuck, liposuction and breast augmentation are now common. I've heard stories of Indonesian women resurrecting their vagina in Singapore.

The question is what is driving this deep desire to stay beautiful? Are we trying to look good because it makes us feel good? Sadly, for many Indonesian women, the desperate attempt to look gorgeous is driven by our fear of losing our men to the next young babe in her perky boobs that walks pass.

We tend to forget that beauty comes from within. It comes from being compassionate and loving. It comes from having an interesting personality.

I am not advocating we go unkept and sloppy. No one wants to see a woman with hair sticking out of her under-arms. What I am suggesting is to change our perspective in life. Looking good so as to keep a man is sad. We know some men are not worth keeping and we are better off without them. Looking good because it makes us feel confident about ourselves is a good start. Widen our perspective on life. Read and travel. Learn new skills. Contribute to society in any small ways. Meet new people.

Be happy with who we are. Be thankful for who we are.

Another week

2010-08-20T07:29:00.000+07:00

Another week has slipped past. Stealing time on Friday morning to self-reflect before rushing off to work.

Nothing in particular to ponder over just simply enjoy letting my mind unwind. I crave for time to decompress after so much stimulants at work and cherish my quiet moment.

Want to spend time with the kids this weekend. Plan to start teaching my 8 year old how to ride a bike. Recall the excitement of my eldest when she first learn to ride a 2-wheeler. I was so proud of her.

Life is about moment like this that never fail to make you smile and that you carry within your heart for the rest of your life.

Fear

2010-08-17T08:05:00.003+07:00

Fear, fear of failure
Stop us from trying

Fear, fear of failure
Stop us from believing

Fear, fear of failure
Stop us from giving

Fear, fear of failure
Stop us from living

For all that we fear
We are dead before it's near

Bags

2010-08-17T08:03:00.001+07:00

Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Prada
Chloe, Chanel, Bottega
Bags, bags, bags
Consuming more bags than I ever need
Yet craving for the next bag that's in
My self-wortth clinging on the brand of the bag
My bags are curse of a life that is sad

Falling

2010-08-14T09:30:00.001+07:00

It took me falling over my face many times to finally accept all things happen for a reason. I've since learned to look at bad things happening in my life as wake up calls.

Decided to heed the advice of Gretchen Rubin in her "Happiness Project" to prepare myself better so that I am more apt to deal with unexpected situations heading my way. I've since started yoga to calm my mind. I've read books of great spiritual teachers like Ekhart Tolle in my quest to be more forgiving and accepting; both to myself and others. I'm learning to love myself and accept myself; my idiosyncrasy and all. And yes, I pray, not to any particular religion but to a greater God.

Will I still cry next time I fall. I bet I would. But I believe I will be strong enough to pick myself up, lick my wounds, dust off the dirt and move on without lugging any baggages. And I will be grateful for the experience that makes my life so colorful. And you bet, I will still have my silly smile.

Writing

2010-08-13T01:02:00.001+07:00

Someone laments how he has always wanted to write but simply couldn't find time. I've heard many writers attribute their success to sheer discipline; putting aside time to write day after day. It's about logging into the laptop everyday within an allocated time and typing away whatever inspiration that comes. As Ekhart Tolle shares, on some days you may have no more than a couple of sentences.

For me, writing is therapeutic. I have to confess I still lack the discipline to write on a daily basis. I write whenever something strikes my cord and I have to let my inner voice be heard. I write to be truthful to how I feel. I write because it's a safer way for me to express who I am without fear of being judged. When I write, I can safely discard my facade.

I aspire to write story that will hit the best-seller list and be courted to have movie made from my book. I aspire to write books that will touch the heart and soul of millions around the world. For now however, I am contented to just type away my thoughts and feelings. If I can just make one person smile or feel better by my simple words, I am contented.

Today

2010-08-07T09:04:00.001+07:00

Woke up feeling restless. Trying to rationale why. Perhaps it's the anti-climax from weeks of hectic work schedule. Perhaps it's from lack of social life; been too tied up at work to catch up with friends.

Read somewhere that how you spend your day reflects how you spend your life. Time to reflect on my priorities and map my schedule accordingly.

Instead of feeling restless today, I ought to feel thankful I don't have anything planned out. The day is for me to fill. And I choose to paint it with love and joy.

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Talk

2010-08-03T14:50:00.001+07:00

Talk, talk, talk
That's all we do
Talk, talk, talk
I feel stalked
By all the talk
Let's stop the talk
Let's walk the walk
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Open Marriage

2010-07-25T08:01:00.000+07:00

There's an article in today's Jakarta Post on open marriage in Jakarta. This is triggered by the recent sex video scandal of two celebrities. The fact that the woman is married rocks Jakarta's double standard moral views.

Open marriage arrangement is said to be an increasing trend in cosmopolitan Jakarta. It allows married couple the choice to have sexual relationships with others while still staying married. Advocates claim this adds spice to the marriage and allows them to stay closer as a couple. This sounds like polygamy wrapped around a new twist.

Open marriage is a choice in life and with every choice comes consequences. If it takes having to attract another man sexually to makes us women feel good about ourselves, we've gone backward with women emancipation.

I am a far cry from being a marriage expert but I am sure most women saying yes to marriage hope for a intimate relationship built on love, trust and respect. And I am skeptical open marriage arrangements will in anyway contribute to a sustainable committed marriage.

My weekend

2010-07-24T10:01:00.001+07:00

On the weekend I am exhausted. I know compared to working moms in other parts of the world who hold a full-time job and no help at home, I shouldn't complain. I am fortunate to be living in this part of the world where domestic helpers are affordable and available. However I am still exhausted after working 10 to 11 hours and bracing at least two hours of traffic commuting to work five days a week.

All I want to do on the weekend is to take it easy. It means a jog in the neighborhood, yoga, nice relaxing meals with the family, movie in the neighborhood cinema, long warm bath, lazing in bed over a book, writing on my blog and anything that doesn't require commuting and commitment. It means no malls, arcades and any place crowded with overly eager parents trying to please their kids. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me a bad mom for not packing the weekend with activities for the kids. But I would much rather we chill at home over books/movies, have meals together and just be with each other in one way or another instead of rushing through stuff to do.

I have become anti-social on the weekends, avoiding any big social commitments as I am least keen having to make small talk on the weekends. I simply want to let down my hair, chuck that power suits and put on something comfortable, kick aside my killer heels and rest my feet on the flip-flops.

I do question if it is a social suicide when I choose to decline the invites. But I've learned that I have to first take care of myself before I can take care of my loved ones. For those who don't see eye-to-eye in how I choose to spend my weekends, I really don't care what you think. For those friends who are offended by my decline in social invites, perhaps we can compromise and meet on weeknight when I am available? It doesn't mean I don't care about you my friends, it simply means I am learning to love myself.

Looking good

2010-07-24T07:05:00.000+07:00

A Indonesian socialite is in coma in a clinic in Thailand due to liposuction. I've seen her pictures on Tatler magazine and she is not in anyway chubby. The themes in Hollywood on women past 40's seem to be about women's neurotic fear of aging and desperate attempt to look good.

To be fair, it's not only the celebrities and socialite who desperately want to cling to their prime look. My friend who's a banker was sharing her horror of finding stretch mark on her thighs and her gravitating eye bags. And yes, she did contemplate going under a quick fix to remove those extra bags.

I have on many occasions covet for a pair of firm (and well-endowed) ones to replace my sagging (note sagging and not exactly saggy).

It's the fear of pain and consequences of a surgery that stop me from running off to Singapore or Thailand for a quick fix. But deep inside I question whether I will be happy after enhancing my looks or will I keep want more fixes to keep me happy. As George Lopez advocates, be who you are. I am trying to find peace with how I look and the fact that I age just like everyone else does. If it's something I can't avoid, is it worth losing sleepless nights and thousands of dollars?

That doesn't mean I won't make the best to slow down the aging process. I'm still into night creams, eye creams, sun blocks, facial massages and all those nice stuff I pamper myself with. I am also learning to treat my body better with ample rest, the right diet (with occasional strays) and regular exercise. I've found that yoga helps to keep me in shape and happy. And we can't deny happiness is the best antidote to a youthful look.

So for all the women out there, stay happy and youthful.

Purpose of life

2010-07-18T07:08:00.000+07:00

Read somewhere that purpose of life is up to us to determine. Instead of searching for meaning of life, we decide what we want from life. This is another revelation for me as I've been waiting to be enlightened on the meaning of life since I was in my teens.

Question now is what do I want from life? I do know life is not all about work yet I find myself sucked into the highs and lows of my job. I know life is about family, friends and loved ones yet I don't make enough time for them.

Let me start today by touching the heart of someone I love and bringing a smile to a stranger.

Maybe that is my purpose in life; a simple and humble act to bring kindness and love to those who cross my path.

Happiness

2010-07-07T00:00:00.000+07:00

Not sure if it's me going through a stage searching for meaning in life or there is now a lot of hype on search for happiness. Is it the financial crisis forcing people to re-evaluate priorities or simply generation X-ers like me hitting mid-life?

Is happiness a feeling? Or can one choose to be happy? Someone once said you can be contented without being happy. Is not being unhappy enough?

Still in search for the right formula...

Lies

2010-06-12T14:00:00.001+07:00

Lies and more lies
Can we ever not lie?
Are we brave enough to be honest
With who we are and what we want?

Lies and more lies
Easy way to cheat life
But do we want to lie through life
And not truly feel?

Lies and more lies

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Empty

2010-06-12T13:58:00.000+07:00

It's wierd how you are woken by a big slap that snap you back to reality.

Suddenly my life is jolted and here I am dealing with a pang of emptiness and a desperate attempt to pick up the pieces.

Trying not too be melodramatic about this humbling experience. At times I struggle to find the strength to get on.

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Contenment

2010-06-12T13:21:00.001+07:00

The guru teacher said that key to happiness is contenment. Easy concept yet difficult to apply.
I will try to make a conscious effort to be contented with what I have, who I am and experiences that shaped me for who I am.
Will try to enjoy life's journey and take in all good and bad experiences with an attitude of surrender.

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Why me

2010-06-06T20:14:00.000+07:00

When bad things happen to us, we always ask "why me?". Never do we ask "why me?" When good things happen.
I believe all things happen for a reason. And it's for us to make the best of all the experiences we encounter.
We tend to magnify adverse situations when they are in the current state. In hindsight, many bad experiences don't seem so major.
I am now flowing through trying not to resist and hoping the river takes me to shore safely.
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Better person

2010-06-06T16:26:00.000+07:00

Is the quest to be a better person a fruitless effort?

Do we have to hide in a monastery out of touch with the rest of the world to reach spiritual growth?

How do I learn to put aside my big fat ego and learn to to be a better person where my actions are driven by love?

Infidelity...again

2010-06-06T16:03:00.001+07:00

Wrote about infidelity on Feb 16.

Yes, what I wrote made surviving infidelity sounds too easy. Someone once told me he can forgive but cannot forget. Can one truly forgive a spouse who has strayed? Can a relationship survive an affair?

The pain the second time or third time around is not in any way less than the first time you are betrayed. Experience doesn't make it easier.

This time I hope to do what is right and move on with life whatever the outcome may be. The vicious circle has to end. I choose to believe we can come out of adverse experiences better and stronger.

Acceptance

2010-06-06T15:51:00.000+07:00

Acceptance. An easy to understand notion yet difficult to apply.

Can we truly put aside our ego to accept the circumstances we are thrown into?

In times of adversity, we always turn to the divine power to guide us. I pray for strength and wisdom to do what is right.

Love

2010-06-04T00:32:00.001+07:00

I believe in love. I believe in my capacity to truly love and my willingness to be vulnerable and be loved.
Call me an idealist or naïve, I want to believe in the beauty and goodness of love.
I refuse to let set-backs tarnish my notion of love.
I believe true love exists to those who believe.
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Strength

2010-06-04T00:29:00.001+07:00

Searching within myself to find whatever strength there is to help me through this period.
I know I am strong enough to ride through and come out a better person.
Refuse to shrivel and become bitter even though withdrawing seems the easiest mechanism now.

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Insecure

2010-06-04T00:23:00.001+07:00

It's past mid-night. Overwhelmed by feeling of insecurity. Don't like how I feel and how I behave when I am insecure; I am less nice.

I become this person self-indulged in my own self-imposed pain.

My mind is running amok; suffocating.

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Another sleepless night in Jakarta

2010-06-01T06:07:00.001+07:00

If I've to go through a major surgery or undergo the pain I feel now, I would opt for the former.

Waking up in cold sweat and haunted by thoughts I would rather not have. I hate waking up in the middle of the night with heaviness descending on me. The pain in my heart is suffocating. If this is what it takes to feel, perhaps feeling numb is an easier option.

Distracted from my day-to-day functions and finding it extremely difficult to play the different roles expected. The morning sun pierces through my empty soul.

Sometimes, would like to just sleep through and not deal with the pain. If only I can sleep.

Hanoi

2010-05-30T11:53:00.000+07:00

Acceptance

2010-05-22T06:54:00.002+07:00

Quote from Deepak Chopra "I experience true freedom when I accept, understand, and move on from the conditioning of the past." Read somewhere unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance. Very confused at this stage. All I know is I have to stop blaming myself and others for whatever happened in the past. I need to be patient knowing time will heal.

Ignorance is bliss

2010-05-14T09:40:00.001+07:00

My aunt used to tell me ignorance is bliss. I found that notion hard to digest. Women my generation are well-educated, smart and independent and I didn't buy into the idea of having to act stupid and behave domesticated to be happy (at least that was what I thought she meant).

Now I am finally understanding what that means. I've gotten it all wrong all these time. Ignorance doesn't mean stupidity. I think it means letting go of things that are beyond your control, learning to overlook things you can't change, accepting flaws of people around you.

And I now embrace ignorance is bliss.

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Me, coffee and cafe

2010-05-09T20:39:00.003+07:00

I love coffee; the aroma, the taste and the after taste.

Home-made Api kopi tubruk served strong and hot is enough to kick-start my morning. When I have coffee outside, the ambiance is as important as the quality of the coffee. Nothing annoys me more than having the aroma of my coffee polluted by the smokey environment. A cozy place is my preference. That translates to nothing glamorous, loud and flashy. These criteria eliminate many "coffee places" in Jakarta which are located in crowded malls where people hang out to see and be seen.

Coffee helps me unwind (wierd as it may sound). I like to just daze and unwind over my coffee either browsing through magazines and newspaper or scribbling on my journal. The new addition to my cafe habit is writing my 2 cents worth on Twitter.

My new favorite in Jakarta is Antipodean in Kemang and in Singapore I've found a great place along the river away from the hustle and bustle of the city, Kith.

Hope you like them as much as I do.

Medan

2010-04-25T21:17:00.021+07:00

I've visited Medan with my parents ten years ago. Went for a rickshaw ride to Kampung Keling which roughly translates to Little India. Medan is probably one of the few places in Indonesia with a Tamil temple frequented by the Indian devotees whose ancestors have migrated to Sumatera years ago. The Indian influence is very much felt with stores selling saris and streets selling Indian food with a hint of Chinese or Javanese taste.

This recent visit brings me to a Medan no different from other major cities in Indonesia. Like most cities in Indonesia, Medan is chasing the trend of modernization. Malls sprawl throughout the city, not to mention Hypermart and Carrefour replacing traditional wet markets. Hotels ranging from five-star name like Marriott to local chains are fully booked by business travelers.

Despite all, Medan still retains its local charm. Jalan Semarang is the local food street. The street is full of kopi tiam (which translates to coffee shop) each selling different kind of local food; dumpling noodle, prawn noodle, fried kwe tiau, roti canai with mutton curry, lap ciong. Not to mention all sorts of local cakes and snacks. Families enjoying their dinners in the no-frill and basic kopi tiam with ceiling fans chasing off the heat. The absence of air con does not deter the locals from congregating, filling the air with chatters.

Jalan Kesawan has a different vibe. This was the most affluent and trendiest street decades ago. Now the only prominent buildings are the Tjong A Fei mansion and Tip Top cafe. The mansion occupies an area of 6,000 m2 and used to house the richest man in Sumatera. It's a shame this beautiful architecture is overlooked and not preserved as the highlight of the city. Although the mansion is not exactly well-kept, it is definitely better mantained than most museums in Indonesia. For the price of Rp35,000 (less than $3.50) per person, you get a guided tour. The 3 living rooms each decorated in Chinese, European and Malay style epitomize the wealth of the family. The collection of photos ranging back to the Dutch era is worth a look.

Tip Top used to be frequented by only the wealthiest in the city. Now, it comes across as a bit run-down with its rattan chairs. The ice cream is not what I would consider the best but the place is full of history. The waiters wear white uniforms that reflect the colonial period. It is still a place worth visit in Medan.

Death and Alive

2010-04-22T22:25:00.000+07:00

When I am busy and exhausted (which tend to be related), I become a zombie. I have no recollection of any events that occur outside work. No idea of how I get to work (too busy typing over my blackberry) and how I get home (usually end up sleeping in the car after a long day). I eat at my desk and can't be bothered making lunch appointments; socializing becomes a chore. I lost track of what I eat, chomping down four cookies in one go. I become forgetful; overlooking my kid's doctor appointment. I don't make an effort to be nice to people. I snap easily.

As I pack for my business trip for tomorrow, the irrational fear of flying strikes me again. I guess I fear death for the reason death is unknown and also because of many unfulfilled dreams; I want see my kids grow up, write a novel (which I've not even started), see places, retire by the beach, reunite with old friends I've neglected, continue painting, learn to take good photographs, may be teach.

Why does it take death to make me reflect on my life? I guess often I'm numbed by the daily routine and it takes the fear of death to bring me alive.

Louboutin shoes

2010-04-19T22:19:00.002+07:00

Will you spend thousand of dollars to buy a pair of shoes? I always thought they are for socialites with unlimited cash to splurge. Apparently not. I know colleagues who own Christian Louboutin shoes. For those who do not know what these are, they are shoes worn in Sex and the City with the signature red soles.

I used to find thrills from owning the latest bag or shoes. Now, the thrill has worn off. For the amount of money spend on shoes, I would rather take the kids on vacation. Yes, the price of a pair of shoes is enough to take the family for a weekend get-away.

My happiest moments are those spent on vacation; either nearby city or exotic locations, I love them all. And I am going to be true to myself without trying to impress anyone.

Goodbye Louboutin and hello to my flip-flop and the next destination.

"Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone." - Dalai Lama

Balance

2010-04-16T15:32:00.001+07:00

My last blog was a week ago. I had wanted to made it a habit of writing everyday, read some where it takes 30 days to build a habit, but lapsed in my follow-through anyway.

Last week was hectic. So much happening at work with visitors, official dinners and conferences. Other priorities got shoved aside. Realized when I don't get a balance, I tend to snap. Felt frustrated and on many occasions were not so nice. I reacted when I didn't have to. Said certain things that were better off unsaid. Was not proud of myself in hind-sight.

Decided to take it easy today. Refused to let the guilt hold me back from leaving the office early today. Need to catch up on rest I've been so sleep deprived. Want to spend some quality with the kids and look forward to my yoga lesson tomorrow.

There is more to life than work and how we spend our time is a clear reflection of our priorities. Life is all about balance.

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony"

Be present

2010-04-10T15:55:00.001+07:00

I find it difficult to meditate. Even during 90 minutes of bikram yoga, my mind drifts away. It takes effort to tame the wandering mind and for me it's an impossible mission for now. There was nothing in particular I had in mind, just random of thoughts.

When I am overwhelmed at work, I neglect my surrounding. Nothing else matters other than accomplishing what I have to do and I've a bad habit of multi-tasking with phone calls, email and thinking about the next task. I ignore friends and family.

I am learning to take it slow, to do one thing at a time and not to worry about what is to happen.
It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I am not going to spoil my mood complaining about last week which was hectic and the coming week of packed schedule. Instead, I am thankful for this day to spend with the kids. I will just enjoy the moment and feel the warm breeze on my face.

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Happy

2010-04-08T05:52:00.000+07:00

I just want to be happy. Thought I wanted to be rich but now I realize I won't be happy selling my soul for material wealth. Back then, I thought I will be happy if and when I am rich.

Our family has a comfortable lifestyle and I really have nothing to complain about. I used to think buying luxury brands will make me happy. It didn't. The joy of flaunting my branded bag is short-lived.

So what will make me happy? Starting to randomly list down things that I am most happy doing; morning walk, going to the beach, traveling to new places, reading a great book, meeting good friends over coffee, helping others in one way or another, accomplishing at work, writing on my tweeter/blog, watching funny love movie, playing with our dog, going for bikram yoga classes, learning new skill, trying out new restaurants.

Well, I'm learning to be true to myself. I will not pretend to be someone I'm not by doing things I'm not happy with. Will I still go to a club and dance my way through the night, may be every once in a while when I feel like it. But I will no longer go just so others can think I am cool.

This is who I am and I am happy with who I am.