Saturday, June 12, 2010


Lies and more lies
Can we ever not lie?
Are we brave enough to be honest
With who we are and what we want?

Lies and more lies
Easy way to cheat life
But do we want to lie through life
And not truly feel?

Lies and more lies

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It's wierd how you are woken by a big slap that snap you back to reality.

Suddenly my life is jolted and here I am dealing with a pang of emptiness and a desperate attempt to pick up the pieces.

Trying not too be melodramatic about this humbling experience. At times I struggle to find the strength to get on.

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The guru teacher said that key to happiness is contenment. Easy concept yet difficult to apply.
I will try to make a conscious effort to be contented with what I have, who I am and experiences that shaped me for who I am.
Will try to enjoy life's journey and take in all good and bad experiences with an attitude of surrender.

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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Why me

When bad things happen to us, we always ask "why me?". Never do we ask "why me?" When good things happen.
I believe all things happen for a reason. And it's for us to make the best of all the experiences we encounter.
We tend to magnify adverse situations when they are in the current state. In hindsight, many bad experiences don't seem so major.
I am now flowing through trying not to resist and hoping the river takes me to shore safely.
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Better person

Is the quest to be a better person a fruitless effort?

Do we have to hide in a monastery out of touch with the rest of the world to reach spiritual growth?

How do I learn to put aside my big fat ego and learn to to be a better person where my actions are driven by love?


Wrote about infidelity on Feb 16.

Yes, what I wrote made surviving infidelity sounds too easy.  Someone once told me he can forgive but cannot forget.  Can one truly forgive a spouse who has strayed? Can a relationship survive an affair?

The pain the second time or third time around is not in any way less than the first time you are betrayed.  Experience doesn't make it easier.

This time I hope to do what is right and move on with life whatever the outcome may be.  The vicious circle has to end. I choose to believe we can come out of adverse experiences better and stronger.


Acceptance.  An easy to understand notion yet difficult to apply.

Can we truly put aside our ego to accept the circumstances we are thrown into?

In times of adversity, we always turn to the divine power to guide us. I pray for strength and wisdom to do what is right.

Friday, June 4, 2010


I believe in love. I believe in my capacity to truly love and my willingness to be vulnerable and be loved.
Call me an idealist or naïve, I want to believe in the beauty and goodness of love.
I refuse to let set-backs tarnish my notion of love.
I believe true love exists to those who believe.
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Searching within myself to find whatever strength there is to help me through this period.
I know I am strong enough to ride through and come out a better person.
Refuse to shrivel and become bitter even though withdrawing seems the easiest mechanism now.

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It's past mid-night. Overwhelmed by feeling of insecurity. Don't like how I feel and how I behave when I am insecure; I am less nice.

I become this person self-indulged in my own self-imposed pain.

My mind is running amok; suffocating.

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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Another sleepless night in Jakarta

If I've to go through a major surgery or undergo the pain I feel now, I would opt for the former.

Waking up in cold sweat and haunted by thoughts I would rather not have.  I hate waking up in the middle of the night with heaviness descending on me.  The pain in my heart is suffocating.  If this is what it takes to feel, perhaps feeling numb is an easier option.

Distracted from my day-to-day functions and finding it extremely difficult to play the different roles expected. The morning sun pierces through my empty soul.

Sometimes, would like to just sleep through and not deal with the pain.  If only I can sleep.