Regrets

Don't expect to be confronted by my biggest regret in life now.  Thought regret are what the elderly do when they look back at their lives.  And I've always secretly hope that I would live to the fullest within my capacity with no regrets.

My aunt spent her life taking care of nine kids; nurturing and caring for us. She loved us unconditionally and was always there for us.  And now, she's no longer there.

I would so much like to have another chance to see her and tell her how much she meant to me.  I still find flashbacks of her memory and memory is the only thing left.  I recall the songs she love, the body lotion she likes, the food she used to cook and the time we spent.

It was hard seeing her in pain in the hospital and it was equally painful seeing her go with her last breath. If only...

My Aunt

I still can't bring myself to write about my aunt's death.  She brought me up since I was a baby.  It doesn't seem real she is no longer with us.  For all my life, she has always been there for me.  She loves me unconditionally.

Things have gone back to normal after the cremation on Saturday.  We have all gone back to our daily routine.  Yet I feel something missing in my life.  There's a gap I can't quite fill.  I have many things I still want to do with her and things I want to share with her.

I have not even told her how much I love her and how much she meant to me. I am forever grateful to her.  Without her, I won't be who I am today.

My relationship with my bathroom

One of the early scene of Eat, Pray, Love shows Julia Roberts in the bathroom devastated and praying for guidance.  I can relate to that.  When I was going through difficult moments of my life, I've spent many nights crying and praying in the bathroom.  It was the only place I can be on my own and totally release my emotions without fear that the kids will see me cry.

Looking back, I've always had a unique relationship with my bathroom.  I recalled hiding in the bathroom to study for exams when I was living with my aunt and half a dozen of cousins through secondary school.  That was the only place in the condominium we shared where I get time alone to study without distractions and imposing on the others.

The bathroom has been my sanctuary.  With all the different roles and responsibilities, I especially crave for time alone.  The bathroom is the easiest escape for me.  It is where I now find time for myself soaking in the bathtub over a glass of wine, favorite music playing off my iPod and browsing through a book or magazine.

I am glad I no longer go through nights throwing up over the toilet bowl from too much alcohol.  My relationship with my bathroom reflects the state of mind I am in and the journey of my life.  Nowadays, I occasionally practice yoga poses and dance to my favorite songs in my bathroom.  I am thankful where life leads me and I am thankful for my bathroom.

Addiction

Alcoholics never think they have too much to drink.  Workaholic know they work too much but justify but telling themselves it's a necessity.  I read somewhere we are all addicts.  According to Wikipedia, addiction is a form of dependency on things, activities and even feelings.

We are all aware of addiction to substance; drugs, booze, tobacco, food.  Some of us are addicted to watching TV.  There are also other forms of activities we are addicted to.  Those who follow Tiger Woods's divorce reads that he's said to be addicted to sex.  Even too much of a good thing is bad; there are people who are addicted to exercise. And of course, most shopaholics would deny they consume too much.

There's the less obvious addiction to feeling.  The feeling of high from gambling.  The ecstasy of love. It may sound crazy but some of us are addicted to negative feelings that make us feel lousy; depression and guilt.

Yoga teaches us to balance.  It is more than balancing on one leg.  Yoga teaches us to have a balance approach to life and balance is what addicts need.

Guilt

Didn't run this morning and feel guilty. Feel even more guilty as I recalled that piece of creamy donut I ate yesterday.

Feel guilty not spending enough time with kids yet feel guilty leaving office early.

Guilt makes me feel lousy. Constant guilt makes me feel depleted.

Yoga teaches me to let go after each pose yet be totally present while doing each pose. I guess that is how I need to start approaching life. To immense myself in the present and then to just let it go. Guilt is perhaps another form of attachment to the past.

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